Sunday, August 9, 2015

I didn't want to share

It dawned on me that I haven’t posted in two weeks. I drafted a couple of different ideas, but I just wasn’t feeling them. They either weren’t fully developed or I just didn’t think they were worthy of posting. They were safe topics. I have no problem discussing the life lessons from my random Monday road trip. I can weave all kinds of connections between counseling, fitness, and this walk called life. But please God, nothing that requires actual disclosure or vulnerability.

I started thinking about my blog silence and what was really going into it. Sure, at times, life gets busy or you simply hit creative blocks. But that wasn’t what was happening. The last two weeks have been emotionally challenging, so I hid. I didn’t want to share that as soon as I posted on the courage to go solo I fell into hopelessness, wondering if I would always be alone. I didn’t want to share that each time that question emerges I’m taken right back to the pain of my relationship loss. I didn’t want to share that even though it’s been over three years and I “should” be over it, it still makes me cry…weep…especially when love hasn’t come back into my life yet. I didn’t want to share the irony of married clients seeking my help because I’ve never been married and at times wonder if I ever will be. I didn’t want to share that when single clients come I can reflect their pain perfectly because it’s something I carry on a daily basis. I didn’t want to share all the many times I was tempted to make foolish decisions despite knowing better, all because I wasn’t sure doing things “the right way” was getting me anywhere.
No, all of that is far too personal. I didn’t want to share any of that. Instead, I kept silent. The proverbial pen stopped moving and I went inside myself waiting for cheerier inspiration to hit me. But then I thought what if all the writers that I’ve come to love did that. What if Elizabeth Gilbert and Mandy Hale and Brene’ Brown stopped writing and sharing when their lives got complicated or their heart was hurting? Where would I be if they hadn’t taken the bold steps to be transparent? If they hadn’t shared their process, I wouldn’t be able to normalize mine. So, that’s what I hope to give you in some small way. As I share parts of my story, I hope you can see yours and be encouraged that however it unfolds, you’re not alone.

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